30. soundtracking the space between who i was and who i'm becoming
On the progress and burden it takes to become yourself + some songs!
Being human is being subject to change. Perhaps it’s something small; maybe you prefer cookie dough ice cream to your old favorite, vanilla sweet cream. Or that you now like going to the grocery store at night instead of the afternoon. Yet it could possibly be larger, a fundamental shift in your character. Taking on deep rooted traits and bad habits. Adopting a new personality as if trying on a new life like a pair of shoes.
Whether it be new things you like or serious character development, as a person, you were and will become many versions of yourself. Cool if you’re open to complexities of life. Daunting or scary if you fear you’re going to lose sight of who you truly are, or other equally important things.
Recently I’ve found myself in this phase between two versions of me. The one from a year ago who I will never be again, and another, a new one that is tangible but still a bit out of reach. And how to become this new version of me? I have no clue. And maybe I’m okay with that.
I’ve made so much personal progress from a year ago, and am truly happy about it. Twelve months ago, I had three or four close friends, was overwhelmed with self-doubt, and had let my routines and interests wither away. These insecurities led me to fight with those who loved me, and in envy I would talk bad about others far more than I liked.
A full calendar later, I am thrilled to report that is no longer the case. After growing with and apart from some people, I now have a group of great friends that I can count on. I haven’t been involved in conflicts or drama with the people I care about much. My bad-mouthing has took a steep turn down. And I’m starting to like me a lot more than I have. And yet, I still pick a fight with someone once in a blue moon, or find myself talking negatively about someone I barely know, or feel the sharp sting of envy for someone else’s thing or quality. However, as a perfectionist, accepting that I’m not always going to be 100% great 24/7/365 has been part of the process, and I know that these behaviors have reduced significantly.
And yet…I still want more. I’ve recalibrated to a functioning human after what I’m calling this “dark period.” Now I want to unlock the next level, and evolve past stability (and what sometimes feels like stagnancy) into someone more self-confident, the best version of me yet. But how the heck do you do that?
I romanticize the idea of disappearing. Going off the grid entirely, and completely changing myself. This is pretty much impossible for my current stage of life, and I don’t think I could handle in living in anonymity while going through such changes.
I’ve settled for quietly building this. Making and sticking to routines that improve me ever so slightly, but are also realistic. Trying that new show, or ice cream flavor, or picking up that thing I was into awhile ago. Devoting times to my interests, strengthening (and making more) connections with the people I’m surrounded by. A lot of it is pretty mundane, and doesn’t align with the perception of the overly glamorized winter arcs or 2026 rebrands. And that’s ok, ‘cause sometimes the most growth comes from the silence and the boring parts.
On one hand I get scared that I’ll never achieve these things and continue to coast in this lane that I’ve carved for myself. That I’ll lose possibilities to the sands of time. On the other I feel the allure of the self-destructive patterns of a past life, and the craving of friendships and relationships that, in retrospect, were built on hollow foundations. Or maybe I feel the fear of losing myself as I mentioned earlier. But maybe I fear more sacrificing my ambition.
So I’m going to continue to do the little things that push me out of my comfort zone, and the small things that in the long run make me a better human. It’s going to take some time, and progress isn’t linear; but I like who I’m becoming, and I hope I become that new guy some day.
As always, thanks for reading,
Ray
this reflection is so grounded and honest : i love how you capture the liminal space between who you were and who you’re becoming!! your writing makes the process of personal growth feel tangible, messy, and real: the small wins, the residual envy, the mundane routines that quietly build a better self. i especially appreciate how you acknowledge both progress and imperfection, which makes the piece relatable and deeply human! by the end, i felt encouraged, like growth really is about the small, consistent steps, not just dramatic reinventions.
this is so honest and relatable, also emotionally intelligent. it's okay to have ups and downs, maybe dark periods. we can't be in a good mood all the time. but it's because we're human. nobody is perfect and acknowledging this fact takes more than you realize. most people go through their whole lives believing they've done no wrong. wishing you all the best in your journey!!